BLOG OF PAULA SOSA

Long time ago...

Calculating my every step, every moment, every place to visit, and every new piece of knowledge I received was indispensable in my adolescence, it kept me sane when everything else around me collapsed.

I never realized the damage that this was doing to my creativity, my confidence, and my strengths; I left aside everything I liked to please someone else, my parents, my friends, and my partner, and along the way dreams and illusions that I had not thought of before were growing in me, a book started to come out that stayed in my mind, I dreamed every situation, every step, every breath of my characters.

Each story linked to the next and in my mind, I began to create a world so fantastic that it was impossible to live in it unless you were dreaming, and suddenly "Sharkboy and Lavagirl" was released, and it was as if I was told to put all those dreams, those stories, those moments I imagined into a book that would give me the ability to daydream and give everyone else that dream, so they could also daydream like me.

I discovered the power of books in an unwanted way, when I was in 6th grade I felt what I had never felt before, I felt what it was like to be bullied, I couldn't stand it, and I gave my mother an ultimatum: either she would take me out of that classroom or I wouldn't go back to school and I would start working. I must have seemed too convinced when I was 10 years old because my mother did everything possible and they moved me to the classroom where my older cousins were and it was a wonderful year.

But then because of my height in 7th grade, I was sent back to the same classroom as the bullies, I said to myself "They can't be scaring me", they made me the classroom monitor and that's when I discovered what it was like to have the power of authority, sometime later I found myself negotiating bathroom trips, a disorder in the classroom and escaping from class. Although that didn't stop them from hanging up my suitcase or hiding my notebooks, it did stop them from personally messing with me, and that served me well after August 1, 2006. That day the love of my life died.

My paternal grandmother had been like a mother to me, she guided me and taught me to be happy with the little we had, she helped me discover why my friends' parents could live close by and mine had to travel far, why my mother had to leave early and walk a mile or two to work while my sister and I studied, and why my mother walked home from work at night, she never missed a meal at home and I thank her immensely for that.

My grandmother made me feel unique and very indispensable in her life, I lived with her until I was 8 years old, until "adult things" took her away from me. She lived 4 years away from me but she was always my refuge, she was always my haven, my safe place, the heartbeat that calmed me, and the one that made the grayest day filled with colors.

He taught me to enjoy the storms, and no, it is not a metaphor. She taught me to enjoy seeing the lightning and to feel that in those moments was when God spoke more clearly, to discover the beauty of seeing the waterfall and go away, to take a path and not look back, as long as what was behind was a storm, she taught me to love the Virgin of Carmen, to see in her an angel and my protection, that whenever I had the virgin on my side, she would be protecting me from wherever she was, she would also be protecting me!

When she passed away I fell into a spiral, I knew sadness, and depression, I knew what it was like to cry, what it was like to feel that a piece of your heart was stolen and to know that this piece would never come back, it hurt more and more every day. I was in a classroom I didn't want, with good and not so good people, with bullies and friends, yes because I had some friends but only one friend I will thank all my life, Anibal, he saw me bad, he saw me where nobody else saw that I was bad, he was the only one who tried to change my mood, for the rest of the year he never left me alone during the breaks, he taught me to play chess, he challenged me to beat him to get better grades, and believe me it was hard, that kid was extremely intelligent and it was his perfect way to make me think about other things. He told me reading is good, it takes you to other realities and worlds that you don't know anymore but along those lines.

In those days my literature teacher, teacher Sandra, gave us a book also called "Seventh grade", it was super fantasy and at the same time wonderful, Anibal was right, there are things that only live in books. But anyway, let's continue.

Although having my friend and a trio of friends (Juranny, Tania, and Jenny), for me, was not enough, my best friends were in another school, or another classroom, they had separated us in 6th grade because their parents sent them to a school in another town, my mother had not allowed me. But after seeing me change so much, she decided to call her friend, my best friend's mom, and tell her to help her enroll me in the school in the other town, when it was time to almost finish the year I couldn't take it anymore.

I told my mother that the following year I was not going to study, my plan since I could not change schools was simpler, not to study for a year, wait because in the following year some younger cousins were coming and they were short like me so there was no chance that they would separate us, dedicate myself to help around the house and study with the Encarta, yes, "My first Encarta", because in those times Wikipedia and 100megas internet were not so viable.

My mother was too scared, but she saw me determined, she offered me to study in the other town, but I was mature enough for that age and I knew that the enrollment had already passed, yes, I was always waiting for those dates of the other school, nothing to do, until my mother gave me the best news that can be given to someone who wants to run away, I was already enrolled, I had my place and my mom was just waiting for the last day of class to ask me that day to say goodbye to everyone because the next year I was not coming back.

Indeed, changing schools changed my life, I shared with my friends from school but I discovered many more, we ended up being, "Ami, Leidy, Karen, Daniela, Lore (Daniela's little sister and restless) and the great combo, "GIMASOCHIKIDALAPA" we were a group of 8 girls who ended up combining the names to have a name that united us haha and our inevitable friends "The Ketchup". If you ever read this, girls know that you saved my life, and no, that's not a metaphor either. You taught me that if someone didn't want me in their life, I didn't have to let them kick me out, no, I decided and got them out of my life. Thank you Kim for your "What's not missing Paula don't be in Paula's way and don't beg anyone".

They were two wonderful years, the first one I discovered was the hardest thing for me, losing a whole period of a subject and not knowing how to overcome it. Studying with only women. Falling in love as a teenager with a boy in the all-male classroom. Wearing shorts in public, because at this school they didn't allow sports in shorts. Doing social service. Learning to boost my self-esteem and beating depression with other thoughts. They kept me alive and when I was ready I asked my mother for what she thought would never come, I told her to take me back to my old school, it was time to kill all the demons of the past, root, and branch, forever. I was ready to stand up to the bullies.

I came back and it was not what I expected, it was much better, although my teacher Gloria scolded my mom because the nerdy girl who had left school in 7th grade was not the same one who came back for 10th grade. She literally scolded my mom because my grades were outstanding and not excellent, and I was scolded when others who did not pass "Acceptable" were not told anything. But shut up and go on, I literally gave that advice to my mom, I said "Do you prefer a confident daughter or a daughter glued to books, a happy daughter or a daughter afraid of the world?". Obviously, to both, she answered the former, but one thing did not take away from the other and I had to raise my GPA.

I discovered that God is everywhere, but above all in the good acts that come from your heart, doing pastoral missions and bazaars with the parish have been some of the best things I have experienced. There is a happiness in your soul that you don't know or discover until you give a gift to a child at Christmas when he thought he wasn't going to get one, a market to a family in need, a talk to an elderly person in a nursing home, a voice of encouragement to someone who also has depression, realistic advice to someone who wants it.

These things should be done without thinking of anything else but "Giving", without expecting to receive anything in return. That smile from the child, the hug from that mother who is the head of the family, and those words of wisdom from a grandparent, are things that are not lived in any other way than with a willing heart.

In those years was when the book of my mind was born, the one that I did not dare to put on a sheet or Word document, I made several attempts to write it when I was in college, but never made much progress, I began to live and enjoy college and ended up forgetting my world of fantasies. I started living my dream of being in a university and having many friends and since then I have not stopped fighting to make my dreams come true.

But things as they are, today I have told you all this to introduce myself, I am Paula A. Sosa Hdez. I have gone through good and bad things, I knew the depth of the soul and also the most outstanding of it. I love to talk and share with friends and family, but I'm a bit nomadic so I'm usually away from everyone, I live with the woman I love and who supports me and drives me in this madness we call life.

Written by PAULA ANDREA SOSA HERNÁNDEZ MAY 6, 2022